13Nice How to Get Over Your Ex
If a person has an
experience that is physically, mentally or emotionally traumatic, the mind
deals with the situation in one of several different ways. Some people abuse
alcohol, food, drugs or other substances to numb the feelings they have inside.
Others mourn for a short period of time, restore their faith, balance and
sanity, and somehow miraculously move on. But the rest of us left over, usually
those who are very analytical and logical, have trouble processing deeply
troubling situations. So, we replay the painful situation over and over again
in our minds, searching for an answer. But the problem is, the answer cannot be
found in the rational mind, because the problem is on an emotional plain.
Therefore, the solution has to come from the heart, which needs to be healed
and restored. Here is the step by step process I have adapted to end obsessive
thinking about an Ex:
Step 1:
Don't take anything your
Ex ever said or did personally, because nothing your Ex ever said or did was
about you. Even if your Ex downright blames you for everything that went wrong
in your relationship, realize their statement is only coming from who they are,
which has absolutely nothing to do with the person you are.
Step 2:
However, not taking your
Ex personally is a two sided coin. If during the heat of an argument you react
and tell you’re ex what an idiot THEY are, and how everything is THEIR fault,
then it has nothing to do with them. Your statements only reflect the kind of
person you are, which is a person who likes to blame and judge. This has
nothing to do with your Ex. Therefore, consciously make an effort to be the person
you are, regardless of how your Ex is behaving. Make a list of all the
qualities you admire in others, for example: kindness, confidence, compassion,
and respect. Chances are you already possess the qualities within yourself. Be
very careful not to make statements that don't reflect who you are, even when
you may be tempted to give into the hurt and anger you feel.
Step 3
Release your judgments and
opinions by becoming friends with Death. As morbid as this sounds, realize that
in 100 years, you and your Ex will likely be dead, and nothing you ever fought
about will be remembered. If your Ex has the obsessive need to be right and
argue with you about everything, give in to their whim and say, "You are
absolutely right." Not only will this reinforce your relationship with
Death and save you a tremendous amount of personal power, your Ex will find it
impossible to argue with you because you are giving the non-verbal message that
it really doesn't matter. As one my favorite authors Wayne Dyer once said,
"Have you ever noticed how hard it is to argue with someone who isn't
obsessed with being right?"
Step 4:
If the hurt and anger is
overwhelming, distance yourself from your Ex completely. And no matter what,
get on your knees and pray for you’re ex every morning. Pray that your Ex will
be granted all of the health, wealth and happiness you wish for yourself. Even
if you are not a religious person, or you don't believe in God, the act itself
is liberating.
In twelve step programs,
such as Alcoholics Anonymous, they are taught to pray for people they have a
deep resentment towards. At first, you will not mean a word of the prayer. But
if you say the prayer consistently for two weeks, you will come to genuinely
mean it, and find that there is a part of you that realizes your Ex is just a
human being, with their own imperfections, weaknesses and short comings. If you
go deeper, you will realize your Ex may also be a very hurt and scared person -
even if they outwardly seem very hostile, aggressive and manipulative. Of
course, no matter what happened to your Ex in their childhood or even in their
day to day life - it does not give them a reason to mistreat you. But by being
aware of the fact that your Ex has a certain set of issues to deal with on
their own time, it will help you replace the hurt and anger you feel with
compassion and understanding.
Step 5:
Own your personal power.
Because when you are who you are, regardless of the situation or circumstance
that comes your way, then this transforms you into a very powerful person. This
is the step that absolutely baffles your Ex, because by you being who you are, and
not letting them get you down - it sends your Ex the non-verbal message that
you are who you are and they are who they are. But most importantly, it tells
your Ex that you are not going to take any of their crap! When you respond to
your Ex's hostility with kindness, and your Ex's blame with compassion, it
frustrates them to no end, because you’re ex cannot get you to play their game.
Step 6:
Come to understand that
you are doing all of this work for no other reason than to realize who you are,
restore your sense of balance, and reclaim your personal power. If you do all
of this work in order to manipulate your Ex, and make them want you back, your
Ex will subconsciously sense your intentions, because at one point or another,
you will slip and let your intentions be known without realizing it. When this
happens, you will give all of your power back to your Ex, and will have to
start all over again with Step 1.
Step 6 is often tricky,
because if you master each step up to this point, your Ex may very well want to
reconcile. At the very least, your Ex will begin responding to the kindness you
send their way in a positive fashion. But regardless if you want to get back
together with your Ex, just be friends, or just get over the obsessive thinking
- remember your sole purpose is to realize who you are, restore your sense of
balance, and reclaim your personal power. If you do all of this work just to
manipulate your Ex into responding the way you want them to, it may work for a
very short period of time. But I guarantee your Ex will pick up on the fact
that your intentions are not genuine, and you will lose your personal power.
Not only that, but when you genuinely become who you are, you attract the right
kind of people to your life. And maybe your Ex is not the person you are meant
to be with! And the only way you will know if you are meant to be with your Ex
or anyone else is if you are genuinely who you are.
Step 7:
Forgive your Ex, no matter
what they did or didn't do. Unfortunately, it may not be enough at this point
to say, "I forgive my ex." And leave it at that. Forgiveness has
little to do with words, and more to do with action. Before proceeding with
this step, I recommend reading up on the topic of forgiveness, and reading
heroic stories about the power of forgiveness. I once read a story about a
woman whose daughter was brutally raped and murdered by a man that was
eventually caught and sent to prison. As anyone can imagine, the woman spent
years of her life in rage and obsession over what this man had done to her
daughter. I am sure there are no words to express how much pain this woman was
feeling. However, she somehow stumbled on a book entitled, The Course of
Miracles and began reading about what the power of forgiveness could do for
her. She started to pray for the man, and eventually sent him a letter, letting
him know she had forgiven him for the actions he took against her daughter,
even though she didn't condone his behavior. To make a long story short, the
man wrote the woman back and apologized profusely. The woman felt compelled to
see this young man in prison, and she held him as he cried during their first
visit. To make a long story short, they became friends, and she became his
number one advocate in attempts to release him from prison.
There are not a lot of
people walking on the planet as courageous as this woman, but it is an extreme
example of what is possible within each one of us. I thought about this woman
before I reached out to my Ex with forgiveness in my heart. I sent a gift to my
Ex and the woman my Ex left me for, which seemed to pale in comparison to this
woman's story. Of course, it took me a little over a year to reach that point,
and a lot of soul searching. To this day, I love my Ex with all of my heart on
a platonic level. We live in two totally different cities, but still call and
send each other emails on occasion as good friends.
I am also in a healthy
relationship with someone I am deeply in love with. Next week will be our two
year anniversary. I do not think I would be as happy and as deeply in love with
this new person as I am now, had I not let go of the anger, bitterness, and
resentment I once felt towards my Ex, which is another reason why forgiveness
is so important.
A lot of people believe
turning off your feelings for a person you once were in a romantic relationship
with, or even hating them is a way to show that they are "over" the
person. But I believe the exact opposite is true. When you are completely
"over" a person, you really wish them nothing but the best - and you
are totally detached emotionally from how they act or react. Another point to
consider is the fact that love isn't real unless you loved your Ex for the
person they are, not the person you wanted them to be. And just because the
romantic relationship didn't work out, doesn't mean your Ex isn't a lovable
person.
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